Dear Diary,

Today I allowed my trust issues get the best of me. I allowed it to get me angry, I allowed it to make me sad, I allowed it to hurt me and worst of all I allowed my trust issue to turn nothing into something. I need this to stop. How can I let my guard down and trust again? How can I be certain I won’t get hurt or be treated like a fool? How do I know he’s not lying? Why can’t I just let things go? I would just rather be alone. What do I do?

How many of us have written this in our journal, thought like this, felt this way or are currently going through this?
I am a women who has been hurt. I have been lied to, cheated on, I’ve been used and I’ve been taken for granted and one of the hardest thing for me to do is TRUST AGAIN. Because of this trust issue I have, I’ve made a few poor decisions when it came to dating men.

I dated a man who I later discovered was engaged during the three months we were dating. I dated a man who was married but didn’t live with his wife. I was dating someone who lived in a completely different state who I’d only seen a few times. Looking back,  I realized I dated them because I knew I couldn’t trust them. I think subconsciously I dated these men because I thought it would be easier to be with men I KNEW were cheaters from the start, instead of finding out in the long run and getting hurt.

It actually wasn’t easier, instead all I was doing was hurting myself. Involving myself in situations I knew would never work out.
When women love we love strong, we love hard, we love deep, we love unconditionally. When that love is betrayed we carry that pain with us into the next relationship and so forth. We need to STOP THIS. We will never find happiness in a relationship if we can not first find happiness within ourselves. Over time, I have come to realize that it’s not the men we don’t trust, it is ourselves.
We don’t trust ourselves to be able to handle another heart break. We don’t trust our strength as women. We don’t trust our faith and we have given up on our hearts.
I still have trust issues, and its something I’ve been working on for some time now. I recently was about to stir up an argument about Facebook (Oh goodness, how we women tend to do that really quickly).
I saw something on Facebook that bothered me. I was about to make nothing into something.  Okay, I’m lying. I kinda did make nothing into something, but before I made matters worse, I thought to myself, “Wait Kat. This is not your ex, give him a chance to be who he is and then you can get all cray cray if you have to.” (Kidding. Kinda. LOL).
My point is, I stopped myself. I recognized what I was doing and I stopped. We women sometimes have to put our pride aside and pick our battles wisely. I know It’s hard to put down that guard and let someone in, but sometimes we have to or we will never find happiness. Happiness is within yourself. Once you’ve learned to make yourself happy, no one can hurt you or bring you down.

“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.”

~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe



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