The Duality
March 4, 2013
I like to think of myself as a straightforward kind of gal. Direct and honest but compassionate. I don’t have a reputation for mincing words or pretense yet as I find myself becoming more upwardly mobile I am identifying more of the gray areas in my life.
My work as the executive director of The BLK ProjeK makes me fairly visible and I share a lot. I unapologetically share my stories of welfare, struggle and child-rearing because it directly informs my work. That visibility has afforded me some advantages. I now have access to land, I have been on television and in the newspapers, I have traveled abroad and people pay me to speak and teach. I have a car.
I am upwardly mobile.
I get my hair and nails done regularly. People invite me to fancy gatherings and I get to go for free. I speak well and have a diverse and cultured group of friends.
I’ve arrived.
Right?
I might be able to reconcile with that more easily than the place I find myself in my life right now. It is like social purgatory.
My car has been impounded more than I care to admit. I still live in the same apartment in the Bronx I moved into almost 10 years ago. I don’t have a credit card and almost no savings.
I go grocery shopping in Scarsdale with a SNAP card.
These are my realities and as clumsily climb the economic and social ladder I struggle with being genuine, not forgetting my roots but also striving for a better life. I don’t believe one has to stay in “the hood” to help create a better one. I have very little to prove to others but I struggle with what I intend to prove to myself.
In my work there are those who think privilege and legacy are dirty words. I don’t, my father worked double shifts for transit so I would have the privilege of going to college, speaking well and have a modicum of financial stability. I currently am doing the same for my children. If they chose to travel the world, I want to have a trust they can draw from. When I die I want to leave them more than debt trying to bury me. I want them to say “My mother, Tanya Fields did ________” and be able point to a book, article or video as proof of history that I did something.
Yet, I spend many sleepless nights hoping that my climb upwards is filled with integrity and not continuing to perpetuate the ills of society that grants many privilege while deliberately excluding, exploiting and abusing others and our planet.
Honestly, as I claw my way up this socio-economic ladder I don’t want to catch my reflection in the mirror one day and feel like a fraud.