From the moment we are born, we learn about our world through engagement with the things, places, and people in our environment. Our parents, family members, neighbors, friends, and the media, feed our little brains with information constantly about what is “good” and what is “bad,” what is or is not appropriate, what social mores we must adhere to, and most importantly, where WE stand in that complex equation.
As we grow, we examine people and things and measure them according to our experiences in order to determine if they fit into our pre-conceived notions. We form attachments that carry thoughts and emotions, and when we are triggered by a person, place, thing or event, those emotions provoke REACTIONS. Some are wonderful. Others have disastrous consequences.
What does all that stuff mean in English? We are KNEE-JERKS.
JERKY JERKY JERKY.
Have you ever observed someone eating something that, in your opinion, would make even a billy goat puke, and had no problem expressing your utter disgust?
How many times have you been on the subway during rush hour, and when the train abruptly stops in between stations, you let out a HISSS of disapproval that your precious time is being WASTED and ‘is this what I get for my $2.25, Mr. MTA?”
Can you admit that there are times when your significant other forgets something that is important to you, and you feel BETRAYED because they should have KNOWN what you wanted, if they REALLY loved you?
Yep. That’s called being a knee-jerk. It’s DEADLY, and it can ruin relationships, careers, vacations, and pretty much everything else. Including the bar crawl you planned for your birthday.
BUT, NEVER FEAR!!!! There is hope!
Here are 6 things you can do whenever you’re feeling like you’re about to spazz out because you’re standing in front of the old lady with the coupons at the checkout:
1. STOP, LOOK, AND LISTEN. Before you start telly Bessie Mae about herself, take a few seconds to observe the situation. What happened? What are you feeling right now?
2. FALL BACK. Take a few deep breaths. Count to ten. Stroke your earlobes. Do SOMETHING to get you out of the emotional and into the objective.
3. ASSESS THE SITUATION. Why did this particular emotion come up? What triggered your emotion? Have you observed this pattern before? What would be the best way to respond?
4. RESPOND. Address the other person using non-confrontational language — phrases that steer away from using “you,” as they sound accusatory and perhaps even condescending. Statements that focus on YOUR observation and YOUR experience are best. “I noticed that…,” “It looks like,” “Based on what I hear/see…”
5. ACKNOWLEDGE WITHOUT JUDGMENT. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. If they made a comment that you found distasteful, try to imagine yourself in that place, and don’t be afraid to say that… “I can understand why you feel that way…,” “May I make a suggestion?,” “This is a tough situation. In my experience…,”
6. ACCEPT AND LOVE. No matter how the interaction ends, remember whatever behavior the other person is engaging in that you find unpleasant isn’t directed towards YOU. It’s NOT PERSONAL. If this person is late to meet you, chances are they are late to meet everyone else. If this person has a tendency to be snarky around you, you better believe that they engage in much snarky-ness everywhere else. Once you separate yourself from the situation and realize that it’s not a personal attack on you, you’ll more readily be able to ACCEPT that this is part of who this person is. ACCEPTANCE is a HUGE part of loving someone no matter what.
Can you remember a time when YOU were a KNEE-JERK? I would love to hear about it in the comments below.
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♥,
Farah
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